Unconditional Love as a Key Foundation for Child Development

When we love a child unconditionally we love them for who they are and not for their 'good works' or behaviour.

Parenting requires that we leave any sense of the child gratifying our needs at the door.

We love them regardless of their behaviour, recognising they are vulnerable, precious little beings who are driven by basic needs such as comfort, security and warmth.  With a developing brain, they do not have ambitions or strivings to cause ill to others and their carers.  Rather, they will strive to have their basic needs met in ways that may be appropriate or less appropriate.  At the end of the day, they will adopt behaviours where for trying, they have their needs satisfied.

As carers, parents need a lot of patience to guide children in ways that children can interpret clearly as preferred ways of behaving. Conflicting messages can make it difficult for children to know how to act in a situation. They may respond to one message and not another because it requires the least effort or because they understand it better from past presentation/s.

Children without the logical brain of an adult, are susceptible to being manipulated by adults for their own means.  A child's universe revolves around the bond they have with a parent/s and the security they derive from that relationship. Where parents attempt to have their needs met in a relationship with a child, the child's confidence and identity formation is compromised.  They do not have intrinsic value for who they are.  Rather, the child learns that to be liked by a parent is conditional on them acting in certain ways to fulfil the needs of the parent and when they fall short, their security is withdrawn.  The child with the immature brain receives this as 'failing their caregiver' and themselves being a failure or less than worthy.

This 'conditional' form of interaction with a caregiver in the early years can have long-range impacts for the child negotiating their adolescent years and later as an adult.

For a list of the impacts that 'conditional love' poses for the child, refer to an outline here.

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